10 Ways to Screw Up Your Sex Life: Lesson 4

Most of us are looking for a quick fix to our sexual dilemmas. We want a pill, a DVD, or a series of complex finger movements that will magically make us less anxious and more confident about exposing our true sexual selves. While no such pill exists, and I don’t believe anyone can guarantee that their way is the best way to have sex, I do think there are a few things many of us do that work against the chances of us getting the sexual pleasure we desire.

Over the next seven days I’m going to be blogging a bad-sex tip a day. If you’ve got bad-tips of your own please consider sharing the wealth.

Today’s Bad Sex Tip: Stop Paying Attention

With apologies to porn fans, swingers, and strip club patrons, at it’s best, sex is not a spectator sport. Sexuality is as much about awareness as it is about action. Even if there were some objective perfect sexual technique, it would be meaningless if you weren’t able to feel the pleasure it produces. That feeling comes, in part, from awareness. And awareness is developed, in part, by paying attention.

From the minute we’re born to the last second before we die, our bodies and minds never stop changing. Sexuality is both produced and experienced in our bodies and minds and as such our sexuality too never stops changing. The problem is not that we have a limited amount of sexual pleasure or possibility to experience. The problem is that at some point we shut ourselves off to change. We stop paying attention.

When you stop paying attention to your most personal sexual feelings and experiences, you shut yourself off from change, and from aspects of your sexual self. This is why today’s bad-sex tip is to stop paying attention. It’s one of the fastest ways I know to create sexual stagnation and to cut off the possibility of new sexual experience.

It’s not a competition, but I’d like to think the goal is to become less sexually ignorant as we age, not more.

Sex

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